Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
I haven't updated in a while.
Life kind of sucks right now. My grandmother is not doing well (which is to be expected, but still sucks), my dad is having brain problems (ironic that the smartest man I know is having brain problems), and I'm having an Evan related depression relapse. We've been talking a bit lately and I keep having dreams about him and it is just getting harder and harder to think that I won't be able to spend the rest of my life with him. The worst thing though is thinking that my dad might not be able to walk me down the aisle. Hopefully either Evan comes around or I meet someone else (yeah, right!) so I can have my dad walk me down the aisle.
Work is fine, I am stretching it out so I can keep getting a paycheck. I just got my tax refund and am spending it on clothing and skincare products as usual. I'm completely obsessed with fashion, and read tons of fashion blogs every day. I am a slave to trends, it is really fun to have a relaxed office job where I can wear pretty much whatever. When I work with the birds I wear my old zoo clothes, but at the office I can be stylistically adventurous. Still obsessed with nail polish as well, I bought a ton of new colors and have recently discovered nail polish blogs. So much fun to see polish swatches!
I have not met anyone out here since I moved (besides my co-workers, who are all married). That is my fault, I am too introverted and lazy. I am planning on taking a dance class (I put all that weight back on that I lost after the breakup) so maybe I will meet some women who like to go dance at clubs and stuff. I might take a summer class too, have to look into that.
Also, I need to take the GRE again in case I decide to go to graduate school next year. My boss says she will help me get into grad school, and I might be able to do a project with my job for school. My boss is great, she seems to really like me, and keeps coming up with stuff for me to do so I can still work for them. It will suck when my grandmother goes and I have to get a full time job. Obviously I will still do volunteer stuff for them, but I will have to pay for utilities and food so I'll need more hours than they can give me (they are a non-profit).
My mom is coming to visit tomorrow for Mother's Day. We have a funeral to go to in the Bay Area next weekend, so I am going to fly into California on Wednesday so I can visit the zoo and some friends before the funeral, and she will stay with my grandmother. I'm super excited about visiting the zoo. I miss my opossums and my iguana and my owls! I probably won't visit Justin though, because he has only talked to me once since I moved, and as much as I love his family and want to see them, I think seeing him would just be awkward. Oh well, I gave that relationship a try, and if he doesn't have time for me, I guess I won't bother.
I guess that is it for an update. Sorry I'm so boring. I really want to start a fashion blog but I have no one to take my pictures (I tried using the self timer on my camera but can't get a full body shot. Plus I hate looking at pictures of myself).
I made it to New Mexico. The drive sucked, my car is so uncomfortable and I got my period in the middle of the second day, which sucks.
It's cold here but not unbearably so, I barely need a jacket when I'm in the sun. My room is tiny but I have my own bathroom with plenty of drawers and counter space. My stuff is with the movers, and could take a week and a half to get here, so I'm just kind of living out of my suitcases for right now, although I did set up something to put my snake on and shove some clothes into for now.
My allergies suck but I'm trying a new over the counter medicine to go with my prescription, see if that works. I have to clean the cat box and take out the trash. My parents are here for a few days so I haven't done any cooking yet. People from my grandmother's church drop off food a lot so we'll see what the food situation is going to be like while she's still alive.
I bought new bedding, but I'm waiting for my mattress to come before I put it on, that way I can just toss out my old bedding and put off laundry for a while (p.s. I have a washer and dryer that isn't coin operated!). I ate at Sonic today, which is so good. I can eat there whenever I want, although with no income and me watching my calories I won't.
I'm not too lonely or homesick yet because my parents are here, but I have only received one phone call from a friend and no texts. I got a text from Justin the day I left, but haven't heard from him since. My mom tried to set me up with the barista at Starbucks. I think I'm just going to forget about Justin unless he makes an effort. I can do better, I'm sure, so if I happen to meet somebody I'll just go for it, but I'm not really looking right now. I miss him a lot though.
I haven't updated this thing in forever, but thecuteone33 said I should start writing again.
I'm off on a whole new adventure! This weekend I'm moving to Albuquerque, New Mexico, to live with and take care of my grandmother. She's really sick and probably doesn't have a lot of time left, so I will be taking her to appointments and run errands for her in exchange for a place to live. And hopefully her house will one day be mine.
Leaving is really bittersweet. On the one hand, I love the house I'm moving to, as well as Albuquerque and cannot wait to get out of this apartment and away from this crappy weather. On the other hand, I am really going to miss the zoo, my friends, and my boyfriend.
The boyfriend. I don't know what I'm going to do about him. His name is Justin, and sometimes he sucks and sometimes I think I'm really falling for him. He has a really demanding job (he's a chef and works breakfast shift at 5 am) and back problems so most days when he gets off work he passes out and never returns my calls or texts, which irritates me to no end. Sometimes it takes him 2 days to answer me. But when we hang out, he's sweet and cute and takes care of me. I love love love his family, too. He lives with his mom and his sister and they adore me and invite me over more then he does. We haven't had "the talk" about what we're doing when I leave, and I don't know if we are going to. I guess our relationship will just be up in the air. He says he will visit me, and I plan on coming back to visit sometimes too. His mom wants to come out and visit me as well. I think I'm falling for him so I don't want to let him go, but he does suck at keeping in touch and I think I might just end up really frustrated and lonely so maybe I should just break up with him? I don't know, we'll see how it goes. The thought of saying goodbye forever breaks my heart though.
I am pretty much packed except for my clothes and the kitchen. I'm just going to donate everything in the kitchen except for a few things because my grandmother has kitchen stuff. I'm super excited about having a whole house to live in, but nervous to have a dying old woman for a roommate. My aunt, uncle, and cousin live out there, so they can help out too, and my mom comes out a lot to deal with a lot of the medical stuff, so I'm not going to be her only caregiver, but it's still a lot of responsibility.
I will try to update this when I move. I need to look for a job, I fear that is going to be an impossible task, but I'm hoping to use some connections. I love Albuquerque, so hopefully I will get over the heartbreak of leaving and embrace my new life.
A way over due update.
Wow, I haven't updated in forever. And my last entries were so depressing! Let's just say I have been way too busy living life to write about it.
So, I have a boyfriend. His name is Evan, he is perfect, and for the first time ever I think I am in love. I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He is sweet, funny, adorable, and takes amazing care of me. I had a friend tell me to write a list of everything I was looking for in a life partner and he matches almost perfectly.
The only downside to my perfect man is that he is moving to LA for graduate school in August. This breaks my heart. He says he doesn't want something long distance but I know he loves me and I think by then he will be willing to make some kind of compromise. I am willing to move down there after my internship so we would just have to make it until January so we could be together. I know this sounds kind of crazy, me planning my future around him, but I'm not giving up on Albuquerque, just considering postponing it. We will see what happens when it gets closer to him moving. I'm not making any plans right now, I'm just saying that I don't want to lose him when he's only a few hours away and I can visit him easily. (Don't tell him I have planned our future together, I don't want to scare him off. I did tell his best girl friend and she promises not to tell him).
Work is going well, my co-workers can drive me nuts sometimes but otherwise I love it there. On my days off, if I'm not spending them with Evan, I am wishing I could go back to work. Of course, when I'm at work I'm wishing I was with Evan. Whatever, either way I'm happy. I've been working with all of the animals, including the kinkajou who attacked me, but I'm not too afraid of him. The alligator bit me yesterday, but didn't leave a mark. Otherwise the volunteers seem to really like me and I'm putting in a good amount of overtime.
Moneywise, things were tight for the first few months, but now I got one of my investments back and my tax refund and stimulus check so I'm no longer having to time things perfectly in order to pay rent and bills and stuff. I'm not going to spend most of that money (I did buy the complete Twilight Zone DVD's, some birthday presesnts for Evan and I'm taking him out to dinner for our anniversary, but thats all I have planned), I'm thinking of reinvesting some of it but mostly I just want to have it in case of emergency. Worrying about money is rough so I'm glad I don't have to worry about money for right now.
I've started to look at graduate schools but that was really stressful so I've backed off for a bit. I don't know what I want to study yet so I am not ready to seriously look at schools yet. Hopefully I will have some kind of epiphany so I can decide what I want to do. I do want to work with Barn Owls but I'm not sure how I can turn that into a degree. I'm sure I will figure it out.
I have to stop flirting with my ex on facebook. Really, I should just unfriend him, since us being friends does not seem to be conducive to me getting over him. But I have decided that I would rather be his friend and infatuated with him than over him with no contact.
I've been thinking about asking out a friend of mine. I'm not attracted to him but whenever I am around him I am always in a good mood and he always makes me smile. First, I have to ask my best friend, because he is her ex. She is happily married now so I don't think it would be an issue, but she can tell me if he's single and might be interested in me. If nothing else, I want to hang out with him more because I rarely smile and am trying to do things that make me smile more.
Man, I sound really pathetic. Depression sucks. I've given up on getting over Jason and have accepted my depression. Instead, I have decided to "fake it 'til I make it". I get out of bed, shower, try to dress cute, and smile at people. I have found that dressing cute sometimes makes me feel cute, so I am trying to do that more often. I have found that smiling at people keeps them from asking me what's wrong, plus sometimes I get the image of me fake smiling and it makes me laugh. Laughter is good.
Work tomorrow. Mondays kind of suck. I can't wait til I start the internship and I don't have to work Mondays. I am going in on Wednesday as well, so I can see people I haven't seen in a while.
Only 2 more weeks of classes. I just have to type up my final project and I graduate! Then I go to Disneyland and Albuquerque for the holidays.
I've been sick off and on for the last 3 weeks, which bites. I loved having Thanksgiving week off, and I wasn't sick for that week, but coming home really really sucked.
I am putting on my happy face though. I'm hoping if my exterior is happy, my interior will follow.
I can't stop using that word. Things are finally coming together quite nicely. I have pretty much snapped out of my depression. I am one step closer to graduating, I checked to make sure all my GE courses are good to go, and I just have to pick up my graduation petition from the biology department todday and turn it into the main college. I found out my psychiatrist left school so I'm going to start seeing a new one so I can renew my prescriptions. Speaking of that, that's one errand I have to run today. I had a job interview for the ARC internship. I am so nervous and want that job so bad that I am having trouble sleeping. Hopefully they will let me know soon, if I had that job my life would be perfect!
I started knitting again, I started taking more care of my appearance, and I'm even trying to stay a little organized. My class at school is really fun, and I'm trying to eat better too.
As for the whole ex-boyfriend thing. Well he cut his hair so I no longer find him all that attractive. I might be seeing him this weekend so we'll see how that goes, my hope is that I will no longer hate him/want him and things will go good. Speaking of this weekend, I get to eat at Sonic! Yes! Because I will be up in Sacramento for poker night and there is a Sonic in Woodland. I'm so excited. Yes it's junk food but I so rarely get to eat there.
So today, after class, I just need to go to the bank and Costco. My mom is going to buy me a Costco membership so I can get on their prescription plan since I have been turned down by more insurance companies. If I get the zoo internship I will have full coverage, so everyone cross their fingers for me! The job doesn't start til January but still, it would be perfect and I can probably go without coverage for a few more months.
Okay, off to class then will run errands. Seriously guys, think good thoughts about this job because I can't remember the last time I wanted something this badly!
Man, haven't written in here in ages. Honestly I've been too busy/tired/depressed to care. I spend all my time not at the zoo lying around feeling sorry for myself. I am sad and pathetic.
I got a tattoo. I was planning on writing out the whole story but now I'm too tired. I'll just post pictures. Keep in mind that the tattoo isn't finished. The artist wants to do more details and add more green.
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I....chopped off all of my hair! Holy crap! I must have lost my mind.
No actually I've been planning this since I cut my bangs in October. I just decided that I had to suck it up and get it over with. It's above the shoulders and I plan on donating the rest of my hair.
God I hate change, but hopefully this will be easy to get used to. I really am crazy.
I was supposed to see my ex tonight but he canceled for poker night so I'm going to hang out with his friends by myself. I'm kind of relieved. I still hate him and cry about it all the time. It's been 2 months, when the hell am I going to get over this?
Change is good, right?
Yay! My best friend has returned from her 3 week trip to Peru. I spilled all the big news to her (break up, and zoo news). I still have to get together with her to give her pictures from the zoo and to look at pictures from her trip.
I just feel so much better now that Tippy has returned, I can't decide who I cried over more, Jason or Tippy. Basically they both left me at the same time (not that I didn't know Tippy was leaving in advance, but it sucked that Jason and I broke up at the same time), so I was left without a coping mechanism. She has returned! She can console me! She can kick Jason's ass for me! (It doesn't need kicking, we still are friends but it's nice to have someone who will offer to do it).
Work started this week and it's going really well. Next week the kids show up, I'm hoping for smooth sailing all around. I'll write more about Zoo Camp later, right now I'm just so excited that I got to talk to my best friend!
I went to Albuquerque last week, which was great. I ate at Sonic twice (man I wish there was a Sonic nearby here), enjoyed the weather, the bird watching, and getting hit on by guys on the street (blondes are rare there). My grandmother was looking better, but still not great, I hope she has a few more years left at least.
When I got back I wallowed. I let my room get super messy, ate really poorly, and felt sorry for myself. Today after I worked at the zoo, I finished knitting baby gifts for my nephew (who is doing pretty well, some digestive issues and eye stuff but getting really big), and started cleaning up my room. I'm almost completely done, I just have to do my desk and organize my paper work. Tomorrow I've been invited to a barbeque, so I'm going to run errands in the morning and go to that. Then Sunday I have my nephew's baby shower (it's starting at the hospital so people can go see him, then a family gathering afterwards).
Monday I start my new job. Well, I start training. Man I think this job is going to be tough. We don't really get a lunch break because we have to supervise the kids (apparently kids eat quickly so we have to make sure they don't get in trouble the rest of the lunch period), and we also have an hour of childcare (That actually sounds fun, we can play cards and games and arts and crafts). We also have to do clean up (but we have help from the Zoo Teaching Assistants, who are high school kids). However, it's going to be more fun than any other summer job I could imagine having, plus I know some of the other interns and instructors. It sucks that I am missing my last week of volunteering but I will be around to visit the ARC all summer.
Looking forward to being busy all day for the summer, as well as getting a paycheck. I'm also planning on going out on weekends. Straight clubs with the girls from the zoo, lesbian clubs with Jason's friends (yes, the ex, I'm stealing his friends, it's fun), and hopefully Delicious again. Even though I'm sad about the breakup, I know that I want to get right back out there.
I'm dying for my best friend Tippy to return from her trip to Peru. I kind of feel like until I tell her about the breakup, I'm not really going to get closure. I'm happy that Jason and I are still friends (you know, when I don't want to punch him), but I need to tell her about it. I also want her hot Australian friend. Like...now. As a rebound. I liked him before I knew Jason.
I'm going to have fun and work hard this summer (I don't even remember last summer...oh yeah...summer school, ugh). Who wants to join me?
We...broke up. I'm really upset about it but I am handling it quite well. Lots of tears and some anger but no cutting or anything like that. He just wasn't that into me. He didn't do anything wrong so I can't hate him, but I will miss him for a while.
I can take comfort in the fact that he will probably not have another girlfriend for years (he's kind of a loser, not attractive to anyone but me, and completely clueless about women), and he will never have as cool a girlfriend as me. His friend's were all pretty shocked that he could get a girl like me, let alone a girl at all. Poor guy, I was really into him, I wish he felt the same. I pretty much would have done anything for him. He has no idea what he's lost.
I am also stealing his friends. Not on purpose, but they are all gravitating towards me anyways. I actually think some of them like me more than they like him, which sucks for him, but makes me feel really good about myself.
When I start to feel a little better I am going to start going to clubs again. Jason's friend's Erik and Lara go to lesbian clubs all the time and have offered to take me, plus I want to go to Delicious again. I miss dancing.
I leave for New Mexico on Thursday and am excited about that, even if my ride to the airport broke up with me. Oh well, I can take the bus to BART.
Hopefully I can cheer up for more than an hour or so at a time, otherwise I am not much fun.
Stupid Jason. The worst part is that Tippy is out of the country and has no idea that any of this has happened. She is going to be so upset. Maybe she'll kick his ass ;). Just kidding, I don't want his ass kicked. I hope his friends are giving him a really hard time for letting me go.
Wow, haven't updated in a while.
Things are going great, although I'm stressed about finals. I figure I'll spend tomorrow evening finishing up studying for Monday's Ornithology exam (I did better than perfect on the lab practical on Wednesday, yay!), go over some more of the lectures for Animal Behavior Saturday and Sunday, cram a bunch of examples for Marine Ecology this weekend, the exam is Monday morning, finish studying Monday night for Tuesday's Animal Behavior exam, and have a study session with my friend Wednesday night for my Evolution exam Thursday.
Then I'm done with the semester! Yay! In the fall I'm only taking one class, and then I'm graduating (assuming I don't flunk Marine Ecology, but I just need a D to graduate). I got a summer job at the zoo as a zoo camp intern, so I will be chasing around kids at the zoo all summer, it sounds exhausting but fun. Having been broke for a few months I'm really looking forward to getting a paycheck. Most of the money I'm going to try and save, but I do need some new clothes (hopefully I can get those for my birthday), and I want a tattoo.
Things with Jason are pretty awesome. We went to Beltane two weeks ago and had a blast. I've pretty much met all his friends. I'm pretty fond of his friends Doug and Sunny. Sunny (full name Sunshine, how cute is that) is going to be at the zoo in two weeks, I'm excited about that.
Let's see, what else? I got an HIV test this week just because I've never had one and that Lifetime movie Girl Positive really freaked me out. It came back negative, so yay for that. I'm also back on birth control, seemed like a good idea since I have a boyfriend. Also hoping it will clear up my skin and ease that stabbing pain in the uterus I get once a month.
I'm loving this weather! I can wear practically nothing and not freeze my butt off. Tomorrow might suck at work because I wear jeans and long sleeve shirt, but I'll slather on the sunscreen and take all the reptiles out into the sun. I think I mentioned I'm working with Athena, the Eurasian Eagle Owl? She's really awesome, and I'm building up quite an impressive muscle on my left arm.
I'm working on a really cool present for Jason's birthday, but don't want to ruin the surprise (not that he's ever read this).
I'm also taking a short trip to New Mexico to visit my grandmother. I know it'll be a thousand degrees but I can't wait. I love Albuquerque so much. I hope I get to eat fresh tortilla's at the Frontier Cafe. Soooooooo good.
Saturday I'm going to visit my brother and sister-in-law and my new nephew. Also seeing my parents. Have to give my mom her mother's day gift.
Okay, off to bed. Probably forgot to mention something. My life is crazy but fun right now, provided I don't have a meltdown Sunday night about my Monday and Tuesday exams. I've been doing a little bit at a time so I won't have to cram last minute. Good night!
I can't remember the last time I was this happy. Things are going really well. Well, except for my stupid Marine Ecology class. I have a ten minute presentation I'm half heartedly preparing right now, plus I have to put out another panel in the ocean. Whatever.
Things with Jason are...amazing. Whenever I'm with him I just can't stop smiling. I think about him a lot when he's not with me, too. He's amazing. Sweet and attentive and smart and funny and makes me feel so safe. I wonder sometimes if this is love, but I don't think it is yet. It's more than like, but less than love. And I know he feels the same, which is really nice that we're both on the same page. It's just so much fun to be with him, although I often get sad when we have to part after hanging out for a while.
Oh and my brother and sister-in-law had their baby! She had to have an emergency c-section at 7 months, so he's really really tiny, but she's doing much better and he should be off the respirator soon. His name is Maxwell, because they are such Beatles fans. I got to see him yesterday. Everyone is pretty stressed about it, but in 2 months he'll be normal sized and able to go home. They haven't even had a baby shower yet, so it'll be more like a coming home party instead.
Well, I really should be working on my homework, but it is really lame and boring. Hopefully I will be able to bullshit some of it. I think as long as I don't have to present first, I should be okay because I can get ideas from other people. Honestly I have no idea what's going on in that class.
Also, the apartment is a mess and so is my room and I need to do laundry. And yet, I'm still happy. I'm just kind of avoiding the bad stuff for now, and I'll work on it tomorrow or Tuesday.
Tuesday I have a job interview for a summer internship at the Zoo, so wish me luck because that would be a fun job.
Also, I started the Eurasian Eagle Owl at the zoo, which is a huge deal and so exciting. Hopefully I'll have pictures to post soon.
The vacation was a success. Not a smashing success, but still a success.
I think we were getting on each others nerves yesterday. He was spending all his time on the computer and eating a lot, and I was really bored and wanting some attention. But then I got us out of the house and explained that I was nagging him because I was bored which wasn't his fault.
Sadly it rained so no bird watching was done. But we did go to Empire State Mine, watched some movies, I taught him cribbage, and cooked him dinner. The meatloaf wasn't quite a success but the nachos came out great. This week I'm helping him knit baby booties.
I got all insecure today, thinking maybe he was bored of me, but then I realized I was PMSing and got over it. As long as I can identify the source of my moods, I can usually deal with it. Yay me.
Man I am not looking forward to going back to school this week. Seriously, I am so behind in Animal Behavior. I didn't even go all last week. I am lame. Whatever, I have tomorrow off to unpack and have lunch with a friend and check my Marine Ecology project.
Also, I totally went to Sonic today and it was awesome. I drank a HUGE chocolate Coke and was worried that it would keep me up all night but I seem to be sleepy right now so I will be off to bed.
Spring Break started off slow, but this weekend ended up being awesome.
I went with Jason up to visit those friends in Boulder Creek that I played poker with. Also there were 3 of his friends from school, plus another friend and their family. I had a great time getting to know his friends, especially this one guy, because we have a lot in common. Jason said we had great chemistry, which isn't really something you want your boyfriend to say to you about you and his friend, but I'm just gonna ignore it. I've invited him over for a Degrassi marathon. Also, he bought me 3 donuts, and for that he's made a friend in me forever. Yum, donuts.
Since we went up on Saturday, we had a sleepover, which I haven't had in ages. There were 5 of us sleeping in the same room and the conversation was...weird...to say the least. Sadly my sense of humor has been greatly influenced by Jason, so I need to stop saying some of the things him and his friends say. Because really, it's kind of annoying around other people other than them.
Sunday we had a big supper and we decorated Easter baskets and had a huge easter egg hunts. Basically as we were picking up eggs, two people were going around and putting out more eggs. There was a huge tub full of eggs that they put out, and it took like an hour to find everything. There was tons of stuff in those eggs, candy and toys and money. There was tons of trading, and that one guy gave me all his frog related stuff, and Jason pretty much handed over anything of his I wanted (except for the Slap bracelets, which he hung on to. I wanted on of those). Jason also made me this cute little foam owl which I have put on my bulletin board. That was definitely the best thing to wind up in my Easter Basket.
Today I'm getting stuff done, cleaning and laundry. Tomorrow and Wednesday I'm working at the zoo. Wednesday night Jason and I are going to Grass Valley (my parents are in Africa) and we're staying until Sunday. Hopefully it will be a really fun, relaxing weekend. Not that we fight at all, but I've never spent that much time with him so I hope we don't get on each others nerves. And if we do I can always go outside and bird watch and he can go on his computer or something.
I'm really looking forward to the rest of my break!
So I'm learning to communicate, and our fight blew over and I'm going to try not to keep stuff hidden from him anymore.
Also, I was happy to hear that he thinks he's just as neurotic as I am. Even though he hides it very well.
A week is entirely too long to go without seeing each other. And he said it first so I didn't have to.
I'm beyond frustrated in this relationship. It's not his fucking fault that he's sick but I totally blamed him. Really I'm blaming him for blowing me off Thursday.
I'm having a really really really bad day. Or actually more like a really really bad mood. Fuck it. I just feel like screaming and crying and throwing things and biting off all my nails and throwing up and just going to bed right now. I'm sure I'll feel fine tomorrow. Stupid mood swings.
And it's only going to get worse because I have this feeling that Jason is going to fall asleep instead of calling me. And it's totally not his fault and doesn't mean he doesn't want to hang out with me, but it is just making this day worse.
Also, how do I get rid of snake poop smell from my room? I've tried opening the window, lighting a candle, incense, air freshener, and changing the substrate in his cage. Stupid snake.
Things are going so well for me lately. I got a 98 on my Evolution exam (although I feel guilty about skipping class today but I had a monster migraine so I tried to sleep it off). Hopefully I'll find out soon how I did on my Animal behavior exam. Goddess that class is so boring. But I am going today. Sigh. Also, Marine ecology sucks but my project is fun because I get to go to the beach every week to check on it.
That really expensive sweater kit my mom bought me? I had to rip it out because my row gauge was way off. So sad. However, even that didn't dampen my spirits. Because it's so much fun to knit, so I get to knit the back again.
Jason is great. Neither one of us has fucked anything up yet. I'm making an effort to get out of the house more, and it helps that whenever I suggest something he always says yes. So instead of sitting around waiting for him to call I'm not too scared to just take a chance and see what he's up to. At worse he'll be busy and he'll suggest another day, but he never just says no. It's so nice to be with someone who makes me feel like they actually like being around me. Also, the friend that I beat at poker said I was "cute as a button and fun to be with", so that was a nice boost to my self-confidence.
I still have occasional bouts of anxiety/depression/paranoia, but they are few and far between. Now if only I didn't have this Marine ecology exam coming up next week...oh well.
Also, I'm having a blast bird watching. I'm such a geek, I whip out the binoculars all the time. In Marine ecology to look at a flock of surf scoters, walking to the car from class to check out a hummingbird, at the beach to check out the adorable flock of black Turnstones. Those are my favorites, they hang out by the rope of my project and make adorable noises.
In April I have some money in a CD that will become available to me, and I'm thinking of using it for a tattoo. I've been wanting to get Izzy the iguana tattooed on me for several years (I think since I was a sophomore at State), and I want it even more now that he's gone. So look for that coming up. A huge orange and black iguana on my leg. Hot.
Okay, off to boring class.
Apparently I am the poker queen. I told Jason I was really good at poker, and I was worried when I was put to the test last night with his friends I would not be up to the task. However, I schooled everyone. At first I was playing stupidly and my chips were getting low, but then I won some of Jason's chips (heh, I told him I was sucking all the win out of him, which cracked everyone up and made me turn bright red, so that became our joke all night. After I beat the last guy I was all "I need a cigarette"). Then we had this crazy pot where 3 people went all in, and it ended up being a three way tie, something I've never experienced. But we took one person out of the game with that. And then I started taking everyone out of the game, bluffing and winning with really pathetic cards, like King high, or a pair or something. It got down to me and this one guy, who apparently usually wins. We went back and forth for an hour, I forced him to go all in twice. The first time I did it, we had the same 2 pair, but he had a higher card, so he took half of my chips right there, and I was sure he was going to beat me. So I called him out again to go all in, and he had three of a kind but I had a straight, and I won! I am so impressed with myself. I have never played such an awesome round of poker in my life.
Plus, I didn't embarrass myself or Jason (all his friends are his age or older, so I worry about coming off as too young), and was even social! I was a little bit shy in the beginning but once I had turned red, I got over it and was able to joke with them. I had a really good time last night. We stayed at his friends house in Boulder Creek, and it was really nice weather and cute houses and great people. Hooray for me for getting out of my comfort zone.
Also, he told me I rock, which is great to hear since my self esteem is so low. And he wants to see me again tonight if he gets his work done. Sadly I just got my period so no sex for a few days =(. But it's nice to have a boyfriend that actually wants to spend time with me.
Um so I got laid Sunday night. For the first time in 2 and half years. Yeah, it was pretty awesome. I've had a big stupid grin on my face for all yesterday and today. The oxytocin hormone is making me get attached to Jason (the oxytocin hormone is expressed during orgasm (as well as during birth contractions and in breast milk) that is supposed to cause trust in your partner, which in turn makes you attached to your partner. This better be on my exam this afternoon).
I'm totally PMSing this week, but getting laid means I'm not having any mood swings. Just the cravings and cramps. The cramps are really bad this time, which sucks, but at least I didn't start getting them until yesterday.
I deployed my marine ecology project Sunday afternoon, out on a rock on ocean beach. I'm afraid that the current has already washed it away, so I'm going to check it after my exam this afternoon.
Okay, I should be studying for my Animal Behavior exam (I just finished taking my Evolution exam) but it's so much more fun thinking about Sunday night...
But first I have to have some ice cream...
Somehow, I'm broke. I'm obsessive about always having a certain amount of money in the bank, and somehow I'm down to $300. I'm kind of panicking about it. I'm going to apply for a part time job as well as beg my mother for some of my money from selling my harp. I never like to have less than $2000, so this is quite a shock to discover when I payed my credit card bill then balanced my check book.
Even factoring in my mom's next deposit minus paying rent leaves me with only $600. I still need groceries and bus tokens and shampoo and gas and utilities. Oh crap just utilities are going to completely wipe me out. (Fortunately I already paid them this month).
Of course tomorrow is the knitting convention, and so I can't buy anything because I'm broke. So sad. At least I took my boyfriend out to dinner so now he owes me the next time he wants to go out to eat. Since obviously I can't afford to go out to eat anymore.
This settles the question of what I'm doing Saturday. I can't afford Delicious or the zoo auction party, so dinner with my mom and family friends it is.
Man I hope I get that job, even if it's only like 2 or 3 days a month. So very sad to be broke...I haven't been broke since I went on that cruise with my last boyfriend, like 3 years ago.
So I didn't make it to Delicious yesterday because I fell asleep. Jason woke me up with a text message when he got off work and I ended up taking him to dinner at the Palo Alto Creamery. I've been craving a banana split for weeks now, and I finally got one. I ate twice as much as Jason and afterwards he felt sick. Apparently I can eat a lot (Jason is like two and half times bigger than me). It was the best meal ever for me so it sucked that it made him sick. It was fun to take him through my hometown. I plan to bring him to Su Hongs and Kepler's for a future date.
I didn't get very much work done this weekend because I slept a whole bunch. I was pouty and depressed some of the time, but after my nap yesterday I felt so much better. Hopefully I will be more productive tomorrow.
Next weekend: Knitting convention!
I'm horribly depressed today. It's my own fault for hating today's holiday so much. I just hate that romance is dead, and having all this forced romance going on around me makes everything worse. Also, listening to depressing songs and checking facebook obsessively are also not helping. I just feel like wallowing today. I might even indulge in a banana split (though I'm still feeling guilty about those 3 and a half donuts from last week so I might refrain, or at the very least use low fat ice cream). Sigh.
I also had a really crappy dream last night that Jason broke up with me so I could date someone else (this other person was someone I've had feelings for for a very long time but thought that I got over them a few years ago). In the dream I dated this other person for a bit until I realized I made a horrible mistake. I woke up before I could fix it though. Stupid dream.
Is anyone going to Delicious on Saturday?
It was so weird how I completely freaked out for roughly an hour yesterday. I wonder what that was all about? I suppose it's due to my massive insecurity, but seriously, it felt really random.
Today I'm feeling fine. I'm dreading going to Animal Behavior because that class is intensely boring. Afterwards I'm going to give Tippy a driving lesson, and then bake something for the zoo. Since I've been eating like crap this week I'll probably make healthy chocolate chip cookies, especially as Tippy asked for them.
Most of my classes are going great. I love ornithology and evolution, but got a bit seasick on the docks in marine ecology. The class seems more marine than ecology, which kind of sucks, but I do like having field trips. None of my classes seem to have too much homework, I think most of my work will be for marine ecology. Which frees me up for all kinds of things on the weekends, like sewing, knitting, the boyfriend, playing video games with Tippy, and going out to a club once in a while.
I'm probably going to go to the Delicious president's day dance, which will be great since I haven't done Delicious in a long time and I can't go the 3rd Saturday since I have the knitting convention (yay!).
I'm so glad it's almost Friday. I just have to get through Animal Behavior...ugh. Tomorrow is a zoo day, hopefully I'll get to play with the sugar gliders. Plus afterwards, video games!
Man, I really hope I don't get more freakouts like yesterday, that really sucked.